Men and the Church: Do they really mix?

Written by Brian Winslade.

There’s a delicate, potentially controversial, conversation that I reckon needs to happen in a lot of churches. I want to give permission for someone to stick their head above the parapet and ask the question: how male-friendly is our church? Or to put the question more forcefully, how overly feminine and male-unfriendly has our church become?

This is a risky subject and I’m hoping you’ll see beyond gender overtones in even raising it. It is a fundamental missiological question that we need to wrestle with in the contemporary church, and we need to do it before more men start drifting out the back door.

A few years ago David Murrow published a fascinating book called Why Men Hate Going To Church (Nelson Books, Nashville, Tennessee, 2005). Murrow describes himself as a TV documentary producer rather than a theologian, and an elder in a Presbyterian Church in Anchorage, Alaska.

 

It is a fundamental missiological question that we need to wrestle with in the contemporary church, and we need to do it before more men start drifting out the back door.

 

To be sure, you won’t agree with everything David Murrow says. I certainly didn’t. In fact at some points I thought he was rather chauvinistic. But he has made me think about what an authentic male spirituality might look like. How do we communicate life with Jesus to the average Australian bloke? If they turned up at church next Sunday, would their experience make them want to come back for a second look?

Murrow’s central thesis is that the typical contemporary church is overly dominated by feminine motifs. He stands up to those who charge the church as being a male-dominated society. Now, if you just read that sentence and reacted against it, stop for a moment and hear Murrow out. His point is that while the leadership of the church (be it denominational or local clergy) is probably dominated by male figures, the style of our communication, language, décor and cultural climate is much more appealing to women than to men.

 

“The church and the Titanic have something in common: it’s women and children first. The great majority of ministry in Protestant churches is focused on children, next on women, and then, if there are any resources left, on men.” (p. 41)

“Men feel that the church does not need their natural gifts unless they happen to be exceptionally verbal, sensitive, or musical.” (p.39)

 

Murrow applies the analogy of an air-conditioning thermostat to describe the “climate” of most churches. Growing up in Texas he recalls the perpetual tussle between his parents over the temperature set for their home: his father liked it cool, while his mother preferred the warmth. He suggests the cultural temperature – the tone of the liturgy and communication – in most contemporary churches is set to satisfy women’s comfort levels, rather than those of men.

 

“Every film has a thermostat that’s set for a certain kind of audience. If a film-maker is trying to attract a male audience, he will pack his movie with the things men like: buildings exploding, cars crashing, guns blazing, and bodies flying. There will be tension, intrigue, and a hero who saves the world against impossible odds . . . If a film-maker wants to set the thermostat for women; he’ll include lots of clever dialogue, beautiful costumes, flowers and scenery. The movie will star a handsome couple who, after a series of misadventures, end up in a happy relationship . . .” (p.15)

 

This is really worth thinking through. When we think of the décor in our church auditorium (the flowers, the colour scheme, the frilly cloth on the communion table, the decorative banners and motifs) how much of it is designed for feminine appreciation and how much of it appeals to the average Australian male? What would a male décor for the church actually look like?

Perhaps a classic area where the discussion needs to take place is amongst our worship leaders and the people who select the songs we sing. A good friend of mine was speaking at a men’s conference a few years ago and was asked to talk about how to reach men for Jesus. His suggestion: If we want to reach blokes for Jesus we might need to consider whether we sing too many songs that sound like Jesus is my girlfriend!

How many songs do we sing in church that appeal to a feminine motif of love and intimacy that subtly make men cringe or recoil? Sure, those of us who are socialised in the ways of the church understand (or possibly reinterpret) the lyrics, but have you noticed that a growing number of men are not singing with enthusiasm. What do the lyrics of songs like these say to the masculine mind:

 

“Hold me close . . . let your love surround me . . .draw me to your side . . .”
“I’m desperate for you . . . I’m lost without you . . .”
“Let my words be few . . . Jesus I am so in love with you . . .”
“You are beautiful . . . my sweet, sweet song . . .”
“Oh Lord, your beautiful . . . you’re face is all I seek . . .”
“. . . darling of heaven”

 

David Murrow goes on to raise huge questions about the perception of Jesus that we present to the world and what it means to be one of his followers. He lists two sets of character values side by side and asks which best correlates with our perception of Christian values (see Table 1). When asked, 95 percent of people select the Right Set as best correlating with perceived Christian values. Murrow then reveals that he compiled these two sets of characteristics from John Gray’s book on sexual gender difference: “Men are From Mars; Women are From Venus” (Harper Collins, 1992). The Left Set represent masculinity and the Right Set represent femininity!  The question follows: have we feminised the popular perception of Jesus? To like him, or want to become like him, does a man have to abandon the rugged masculinity that may just be a part of his God designed make-up?

 

Table 1

Left Set                           Right Set

Competence                    Love
Power                              Communication
Efficiency                        Beauty
Achievement                   Relationship
Skills                               Support
Proving oneself               Help
Results                            Nurturing
Accomplishment             Feelings
Objects                           Sharing

 

When Antarctica explorer Ernest Shackleton posted an advertisement in a newspaper in 1913 seeking men to join his expedition it read like this:

“Men wanted for hazardous journey. Small wages. Bitter cold. Long months of complete darkness. Constant danger. Safe return doubtful. Honour and recognition in case of success.”

More than 500 men applied for 26 spots! Murrow suggests that male spirituality responds more to the rugged and costly call to faith and mission than some of the more domesticated and feminine models we are used to.

 

How many songs do we sing in church that appeal to a feminine motif of love and intimacy that subtly make men cringe or recoil?

If we want to reach blokes for Jesus we might need to consider whether we sing too many songs that sound like Jesus is my girlfriend!

 

Actually, he goes further than that. Murrow suggests that one of the reasons men’s ministry often falters in contemporary churches is because its style is like a women’s ministry done for men.

 

“Tony went to men’s small group at his church – once. First, the men sat in a circle and sang praise songs for about 10 minutes. Tony was asked to introduce himself and share about his life. Next, he was paired with a stranger and asked to share one of his deepest fears. Then, everyone was asked to share a prayer need or a praise report. The men read from the bible, taking turns around the circle. Finally, the men stood in a circle and held hands for what seemed like hours, while one by one they bared their souls to God. One man was quietly weeping. The guy next to Tony prayed for 10 minutes straight, and his palms were sweaty. Once the meeting was over, Tony didn’t stay for cookies. He hasn’t been back . . .  (p.140).

 

A recent Father’s Day service we attended missed a classic opportunity to affirm masculine spirituality. I couldn’t help thinking how a male “seeker” might have viewed the image of Christian faith. To be sure, there was appropriate recognition of men and fatherhood made in the service. However the congregational worship was lead by woman (could have been a bloke!) who spent most of her time up front with her eyes closed and her arms raised in the symbol of warm embrace. And when she spoke it was with soft and barely audible feminine tones of intimacy, like those exchanged between two lovers, with continual repetition of words of love for Jesus.

Now please don’t misunderstand what I’m raising in all of this. Unlike a lot of men in our society I actually love to sing, and with my years of enculturation into the ways of the church I understand how Christian worship is a singing faith. I raise my hands as I worship and I enjoy moments of intimacy with God. It is good for us men to get in touch with our deeper, personal selves. But what if we’ve been guilty of over emphasizing an approach to spirituality that is less in tune with how God made men to think and behave?

For instance, men struggle with reading far more than do women. Dyslexia is four times higher in men than women. Research suggests 55% of women read literary works for pleasure, compared with only 37% of men and yet so much of our worship liturgy or definitions of discipleship require literacy skills. The same could said about verbal fluency. Women supposedly speak 20-25,000 words per day where as men use only 7-10,000 words. Women are much more comfortable in the world of words than blokes.

 

What if we’ve been guilty of over emphasizing an approach to spirituality that is less in tune with how God made men to think and behave?

Surely men don’t need to leave their masculinity in the church car park when they come to church…

 

There’s a lot more to say on an important subject like this. This brief article barely scratches the surface, but I hope it starts a conversation or two. I believe we need to be wrestling with the question of how male-friendly our church truly is, and with it, exploring the nature of genuine male spirituality.

My Bible tells me that God made men and women different. We can’t live well without each other and over more recent years we’ve been learning how God is calling women to serve alongside the men in the church – as equal co-workers. But perhaps there has been a subtle swing of the pendulum that needs a gentle push in a more balanced direction. Surely men don’t need to leave their masculinity in the church car park when they come to church…

Brian Winslade is married to Liz and lives in Brisbane. They have three adult children. Brian serves as National Director of Australian Baptist Ministries, combining the roles of National Director of Crossover, and CEO of Australian Baptist Ministries.